Struggles

You know you can always prepare yourself for something, but you are never truly prepared. You know at 31 you never think of things like this happening to you and then BAM! Im still wrapping my head around my diagnosis but I am embracing every moment. It's hard. I cried the night to God and told him I felt this was all my fault. It's my fault I am putting my family through this. It's my fault I have cancer, it's my fault I cant do some of the things I used to. I know its not my fault but that's how I feel. I've changed our lives and that's hard to not think about. I know God has a plan and my story is far from over but I know it will have a glorious unfolding!

Well I had my second treatment last week and I've done well except yesterday. I woke up not feeling well and taking my temp all day and I was battling a temp of 99.5-101. The 101 temp didnt come until hubby left for work and I called him and he turned around and came back home. I was scared b/c that is too high. I called my Dr and they called be back but by that time the Tylenol had finally kicked in. My labs came back normal with no indication of any infection so that was good to know. They weren't concerned, yet but said if it continued to spike then I'd have to go the ER. Luckily with monitoring my temp and Tylenol it was staying under control. I woke up this morning fever free and feeling great! 

Also this morning I went and had my head shaved and got my wig cut and styled. The girl that did it is so nice and sweet. Im thankful for compassionate people. It helps when you are going through a difficult time. I know I said that losing your hair is very hard to take, but as many said, it's the beauty on the inside that truly matters. Yes, I am bald now, yes I hate that, but in reality it's only a small price to pay to stay on this earth and see my children grow up. I wouldn't want it any other way. I know there are far worse things in others lives than this and at least my "disease" can be treated and cured. There are far more out there that aren't that lucky. 

I do have to say that I have struggled spending time with God. I have struggled with this for awhile but I know that this is a critical time to be doing that and I think it could be part of my story. Isn't that what we strive to do anyways? Getting closer to God even when we think we are close to him? I think I struggle to find good devotions and I never know where to start in the bible. 

So even though my struggles seem big to me, I know they aren't only small to others and God knows my struggles so they aren't big to him either. Im still staying strong and I know most of my strength is coming from the Lord and all of your prayers. I know I could get down and depressed about my current health state but that wont do me any good. I have 3 beautiful children that God has blessed me with, a wonderful husband and an awesome family. They are the reason I am still here and the reason I will beat this stupid thing called cancer!